By Brigette Hinnant
In Geena Rocero’s Horse Barbie: A Memoir of Reclamation, Rocero shares her experiences growing up as a closeted transgender Filipina, and what inspired her to openly embrace her identity. With the title being “Horse Barbie,” Rocero explains that, despite being complimented during her career for looking like a Barbie doll, she was also name-called and referred to as a horse. Thus, by calling herself “Horse Barbie,” she has reclaimed the insults that were thrown at her.
In the memoir, Rocero describes how drag culture in the Philippines positively impacted her life growing up and helped her begin to explore her gender identity. Later, when she moved to America and began her career as a model, she began to face new challenges, as the Philippines and the United States have different perceptions of people who are transgender. Rocero also ties connections between pre-colonial Philippines and how gender expression was different before colonization. One notable instance is referring to Filipino naming conventions as the names confine to the gender binary. Rocero explains that: “My birth country had made it impossible for my own name to belong to me, extinguishing the boundless possibility of my ancestors’ precolonial gender fluidity with a restrictive system that kept us confined in legal boxes. Seeing my new name in front of me for the first time felt overwhelming, a victory with no vanity in it. This mattered more to me than a million pageant trophies. After all this time, I was going to be seen as myself.”
Growing up in the Philippines, she was also taught to strive for whiteness, both ideologically and physically, but once she had moved to America she found herself being allowed to embrace her tan complexion. Here, she articulates that, “In a way, you could trace those tracks back centuries to the Spanish colonizers who first taught us to hate our own dark skin. They had forced the people of the Philippines to adopt Catholicism, then brainwashed us into adoring and worshipping white saints. They stole our land and then mocked our dark-skinned indigenous ancestors… Our new colonizers saw us as savages and tried to erase the rich diversity of our languages, imposing American English on our education system, a tongue that felt bereft of variation and devoid of beauty. The Spanish, the Americans—they all wanted us to value whiteness.” Throughout this memoir, Rocero discusses the hardship of trying to keep her transgender identity a secret out of fear of rejection, especially since she was a public figure as a fashion model, and what led her to combat this fear to become an advocate for transgender people.
There are many themes that Rocero highlights in her memoir: transgender advocacy, familial and romantic love, becoming comfortable in one’s identity, the pertinence of culture, and so much more. By sharing the story of her life, Rocero makes a major point of advocating for what she calls “trans joy.” Rocero writes, “That’s the thing about trans joy: It can never be fully extinguished. People can try to narrow the possibilities for our lives, even end them, but our spirits will always expand to fill whatever space we are given. We will find the power in us.”
“That’s the thing about trans joy: It can never be fully extinguished. People can try to narrow the possibilities for our lives, even end them, but our spirits will always expand to fill whatever space we are given. We will find the power in us.”
Geena Rocero, Horse Barbie
By exploring her identity and becoming comfortable expressing herself, Rocero has created opportunities to help others within the transgender community become comfortable in themselves as well. In a world that is becoming increasingly hostile towards transgender individuals per recent administrative actions, advocates such as Rocero provide a space for transgender individuals to be themselves and to fight for their rights and safety. With the “trans joy” that Rocero discusses in her memoir, this is exemplified by finding community—a community where everyone feels happy, appreciated, and most importantly, understood. It is through mutual struggles and experiences that trans joy can be identified and shared amongst the community.
I would recommend Horse Barbie to LGBTQ+ folk, allies, and those who wish to educate themselves more and listen to more voices about the transgender experience and all that it entails. This memoir is an enlightening read as Rocero not only describes the challenges she has faced, but also how she was able to navigate these struggles in life. A large focal point of these challenges are the fear of being outed as Rocera details how she navigated her life through a lens of paranoia and fear that she might get “caught” and have her life ruined. Rocero recollects this fear by writing: “He was in the industry, and if he caught onto me, I could be outed. Word of my transness would travel from his lips to infinite ears” when referring to a previous partner who was also a model. This story provides LGBTQ+ readers, especially trans readers, with hope that they will be loved and accepted as she was when she was ready to come out. Before Rocero had announced that she was ready to come out, she remembers all of the moments of rejection she had faced before because of her identity, but Norman, her longtime partner, accepted and loved her for who she was. After a discussion with Norman, that she was ready to come out and after she had come to this decision, explains that, “I’m not sure I had ever actually said the words come out aloud before. For many years, they had bubbled up to the front of my mind, only for me to shove them back down into the darkness. The truth wasn’t just something I could let out and leave behind; the truth would ask things of me, pulling me into a future where I would have to be open, transparent, and bold.” Once at peace with this decision, Rocero recounts, “That morning, as we watched the Tulum sunrise reach our rooftop, I held Norman’s hand—reassuring, knowing, loving—and thought of the word transgender again, expecting to feel the usual shame I associated with it. But the shame was gone. Gone, as my fear was gone. Instead, pride swelled in my heart.”
In Horse Barbie, Geena Rocero is witty, honest, and vulnerable. She captures an array of audiences to keep them entranced; she includes instances of success and lightheartedness while also being candid, vulnerable, and true to her audience.
Brigette Hinnant is a current graduate student at Washington State University in the MA rhetoric and composition program. Her fields of study are Asian American studies, decolonial theory, and feminist theory.