By Justine Trinh
The model minority myth continues to haunt Asian Americans as it expects us to be successful in all aspects of life (including—but not limited to—domestically and academically) due to our so-called “Asian” qualities such as our culture, work ethics, and family values. While this ideological concept is untrue, there are those who cling to it because of the supposed benefits it engenders regardless of the emotional, physical, and mental tolls. Prachi Gupta’s memoir, They Called Us Exceptional and Other Lies that Raised Us, shows the ramifications of this belief that ultimately led to her brother Yush’s death. Her memoir stems and expands from her 2019 article, “Stories About my Brother,” which discussed the factors that led to his death and her grief that followed. While the article focuses more on Yush and his life, this work discusses her life experiences and how the lies of the model minority have affected her and her family.
In They Called Us Exceptional and Other Lies that Raised Us, Gupta writes to her estranged mother. She recounts her personal narrative and interweaves history and mental health research to critique the model minority myth. She details how the expectation of success impacted her from a young age and followed her into adulthood. During her childhood, Gupta’s father forces her to read the nonfiction book, The Way Things Work, so that she gets an understanding of machines and inventions despite her desire to read fiction. Because he is her father, his directives are prioritized over her wants. Art is tolerated only if the pursuit perpetuates and does not interfere with her STEM aspirations. Because of her not-so-great grades, Gupta originally plans on applying to Carnegie Mellon’s School of Arts and then, to transfer into another college within the university to “study something serious.” And when she does attain an acceptable job, her father still expects absolute obedience with any slight, even just a comment taken out of context, perceived as a threat to his hegemonic power within the family. The father believes in the promises of the model minority because, as a child, he was ridiculed and told he did not belong. While the model minority is premised on exclusion, he is able to navigate belonging by attaining the respectability of being a doctor and a family man producing model children. Thus, he needs his wife and children to perform success and traditional gender roles, so that he can belong in the larger context of America. However, it is these ideals that end up fracturing the family because he enacts his will over his wife and children and denies them agency. Gupta herself becomes aware of these false promises and calls out these lies for what they are.
Gupta’s memoir defies dominant narratives. Her father, as the patriarch, holds all the authoritative power because of his gender, class, and age. Whenever Gupta speaks out against her father within the family and community, she is always villainized as ungrateful regardless how valid her “complaints” are. Her voice is constantly silenced whenher legitimate complaints of her father assaulting her are dismissed as acceptable tiger parenting (“Come on, he’s just strict. What Indian dad isn’t?”). However, her memoir gives her an outlet to tell her story to a wider audience without familial intervention. By voicing her version of events, she is able to (re)legitimize her pain that was denied to her within the community. At the end of the day, it is her father that hurt her, and this needs to be addressed. This memoir is a starting point as it opens a conversation that is generally silenced.
Gender also plays a huge part within family dynamics. Gupta’s mother is in charge of childrearing and domestic home life while her father is the traditional male breadwinner who provides for the family. However, both crack under the weight of these roles. Her mother is isolated and away from family while her father feels the overwhelming pressure as the sole provider.
Yush blames women for this dynamic as he claims, “women are inferior in logical ability” and “abuse men” as men are forced to provide for them as they stay home, living comfortable lives. This is obviously not the case as their mother is the one making breakfast, laying out their father’s work clothes, and cutting his nails. Yet Yush feels justified with insulting her when she is taking care of him after his surgery. In his eyes, she is the one abusing his father, and it is her duty to take care of him. At the same time, he is marginalized by the same gender expectations that affect women despite his vocal denouncement of women. He, as an Indian man, feels emasculated within white society. While he achieves and performs success (such as majoring in Electrical and Computer Engineering and minoring in Computer Science), he has still internalized his gender identity as not enough. As a result, he makes the choice to go to Italy to lengthen his limbs so that he could be five foot ten (an inch taller than the average American man) and to better approximate the gender norms of white society.
Gupta, on the other hand, identifies as a feminist, which Yush and her father misconstrue as a man-hating extremist. She shows how these gender roles affect both men and women, and she comes to these realizations based on her marginalization within the family. She can empathize with her mother as she can see the amount of labor her mother is expected to do, but at the same time, she holds her mother accountable for the harm that her mother’s silence contributed to. Similarly, her father is often the main instigator of harm, but Gupta takes the time to provide the history and context that nurtured such beliefs in order to understand his actions.
They Called Us Exceptional is a must read. Gupta exposes the lies that force Asian Americans to perform success even if it hurts us. Gupta shares her hurt not to create a gratuitous spectacle of pain, but for the audience to empathize with her and understand ideological concepts such as the model minority and the American Dream, which incur much violence and pain. This harm is often silenced to keep the peace and status quo. The moments Gupta share hurt, and I could feel her hurt. I could empathize and relate with her when she details the moment her father screams that she is “arrogant, stupid, and worthless.” Gupta does the difficult task of bringing such moments to light, but by doing so, she opens up the possibility for conversation to address these issues.
Justine Trinh is an English literature Ph.D. student at Washington State University. She graduated from the University of California, Irvine with B.A.s in Asian American studies and classical civilizations and a B.S. in mathematics. She then went on to earn her M.A. in Asian American studies, making her the first student to graduate from UCI Asian American Studies’ 4+1 B.A./M.A. program. Her research interests include Asian American literature, critical refugee studies, family and trauma, and forced departure and disownment.