By Akira Park
Utang na loob.
It is a phrase widely used among Filipino families, and is especially notorious for being spoken by parents. Utang na loob typically nods to a lifetime repayment of coerced debt for Filipino children due to the challenges and sacrifices that parents have made for the sake of their child’s well-being and success. It’s an internal phenomenon that eternally ties an individual to a person, a kapwa. You are in debt to a person because of the voluntary help they have provided you, hence benefitting from utang na loob.
What results is the loss of a person’s individuality; you are now a shared being with someone due to a favor you had never asked for in the first place, which could simply begin from your existence. And if you refuse to repay your debt? Well, your obligation remains because of utang na loob. What could have been a phrase of unity and community now bleeds a negative connotation of guilt-tripping, generational trauma, manipulation, and abuse.
In Clare Osongco’s debut young adult novel, Midnights With You, seventeen-year-old Deedee experiences the phenomenon of utang na loob, which has led to a depleted mother-daughter relationship. As a mixed Filipina American, Deedee struggles with her strict Filipina immigrant mother, who carries the toll of the family’s secrets. One of the many instances is when Dedee is compelled by her mother to write letters to a grandfather who never replies. Within the absence of replies unfolds the unpleasant truth that her mother has been hiding from Deedee. Due to the mental health challenges that Deedee’s mother refuses to acknowledge, Deedee’s mental health is affected as well. Yet, the boy next door is in the same boat as Deedee.
Jay, a Vietnamese American boy, moves into Deedee’s neighborhood during the summer. Deedee notices Jay’s routine, such as mowing the lawn, bringing groceries into their home, and entertaining his younger sister during the day. Soon enough, Deedee notices Jay’s nighttime habits, which consist of sneaking out at nighttime, driving away from his home, and then returning and observing the night sky on his rooftop. After Deedee finds out about her mother’s recent late-night drives, the genesis of Jay and Deedee’s secret midnight driving lessons for Deedee begins. Deedee and Jay utilize this time to work together and heal from their family traumas, but late-night conversations about past traumas can lead to unexpected consequences. In this case, Deedee and Jay’s trauma brings them closer together. Yet, the two face the difficulties of keeping their heads afloat in deep water, and they soon realize that they are not immune to the complexities of connecting through trauma. Midnights With You is a vulnerable story about two adolescents handling the complexities of the Southeast Asian (SEA) diaspora and one painfully speaking to the stories of SEA children of immigrants.
When Midnights With You popped up on my Instagram feed in early March of this year, I was immediately drawn in by its gorgeous purple cover. Osongco describes her book as “feeling cut off from your culture,” “family secrets,” “generational trauma,” and “grief and healing,” with a great splash of romance. As I read those descriptions, I thought, “That is literally me!”
Additionally, during that time of the year, I was preparing for a conference presentation on elevating Filipino American narratives in classrooms, explicitly highlighting the hyphenated identity. What makes Midnights With You extremely unique is its approach to intersectionality, which many youth of color struggle with daily, both in public and within their families. While Deedee was struggling with her own identity and secrets about her family, she was also working through the psychological damages that her mother’s neglect had transferred onto her. At one point, Deedee’s mom even tries to erase Deedee’s Filipina identity while being an immigrant herself, which brings up the themes of assimilation that many Asian Americans experience. All the while, Deedee is faced with the challenge of feeling guilty as she chooses between following her mother’s orders due to utang na loob or learning to stand up for herself.
On the other hand, Jay experiences a similar phenomenon as a Vietnamese American; only this time, he feels the need to give back to his family and is obligated to become a father figure to his younger sister. Throughout the novel, I loved seeing Jay’s character growth (as well as Deedee’s), and he plays an integral part in helping Deedee learn how to stand up for herself. Deedee also teaches Jay the same life lessons as Jay struggles with needing to provide for his family since he has to work all night after a day of school for a client who exploits him. Most significantly yet, the driving lessons in this book bring such solace to the readers that there is a world in between where both Jay and Deedee can have a space where they can open up about adversities occurring in their lives. This part of the story highlights that there is always a space of mutual challenges that we all face, whether as adolescents or adults. I’d even argue that the Asian American community goes through similar experiences (though not wholly) of utang na loob.
What I most loved about this book are the small details of cultural connection Deedee unconsciously carries with her, despite her struggle with her hyphenated identity. The book notes her love for Filipino horror stories, salt and vinegar chips, and mango slices dipped in bagoong (shrimp paste). Even more is Deedee and Jay’s commonality with fish sauce! It was heartwarming to see two Southeast Asians enjoying an integral ingredient shared by most of our foods. While Filipino and Vietnamese fish sauces vary in taste, these simple details emphasize that despite our differences, there is always a common ground that brings us together.
I have nothing but great things to say about Clare Osongco’s Midnights With You. This is a story that I, and I assume many other Asian Americans, are yearning to read. As the eldest child of my family, I have grown up seeing and feeling the effects of utang na loob, and I believe that it’s time we break generational expectations and trauma and begin to heal by learning how to stand up for ourselves and what we believe in. Midnights With You is a book for all who need to hear the following message: we are not simply meant to succeed and do favors for others, but utang na loob should begin within ourselves. I urge that we all start prioritizing the need to repay our minds and souls, including the tender care they yearn for. After all, the most significant debt we must repay is the difficulties we have forced ourselves to endure.
Akira Park (she/her/siya) is an undergraduate English Education student at Washington State University. She conducts research on the representation of Asian American narratives in young adult literature and education, frequently advocating for the needed representation of Asian Americans in both disciplines. You can check her website at akirapark.carrd.co and follow her on Instagram @akirapbooks.